Accidentally Found Self-Love in Loving More than One
Loving unconditionally without losing yourself
A tangled web of partners and emotions. That’s what most people imagine when they think of polyamory.
At first glance, polyamory might seem like a bunch of commitment-phobes getting a free pass to date around. It’s tempting to assume they’re just desperate for attention or terrified of being alone, hence the multiple partners.
“Maybe she doesn’t want to put all her eggs in a single basket,” as if they’re hedging bets across multiple partners at once. If you think about it, it’s actually more secure to not “zero-in” on a single person.
That’s if you look at it through the lens of fear.
But in reality, to be polyamorous is to never fear.
At 33, I’d had my share of relationships and, in the past, hadn’t exactly warmed to the idea of polyamory.
A hopeless romantic, I clung to the notion of loving just one person forever. I promised this forever for every person I fell in love and settled with.
In high school, I’d pen passionate poems to my crushes, leaving them as anonymous gifts in their lockers. Heart racing, I’d watch from a safe distance, eagerly awaiting their reactions.
Throughout my early relationships, I was ready to lay down my life and vowed eternal devotion to every relationship. One eternal vow to the next as each relationship failed. After all, love is eternal. How can I best express it into words?
But with time, I discovered that we all yearn to rediscover ourselves. I learned that a poly is someone who’s not afraid, and even prefers, staying independent.
Monogamy doesn’t hurt, but the ideals that often fuel relationships does.
In my quest for love, I lost my individuality, bending to the expectations and traditions of my partners.
I even had to stifle my off-key singing in our own home while living with my ex, because he doesn’t want the neighbors to hear me sing my heart out. He was projecting his conservative attitude on me, so our family wears a consistent motif.
It turns out, we often lose ourselves while searching for love and trying to fit into someone else’s mold… Meanwhile, they’re also busy masking their true selves to fit society’s preconceived mold.
I also had to act in a way that is consistent to their values and actions around their relatives and friends. Problem is: I’m not a good girl, let alone an obedient wife material.
We often lose ourselves while seeking the right person and conforming to their expectations once they’re found.
Yet I found that keeping your individuality is what strengthens relationships, monogamous or not. Our only role is to support, not change our partners according to what keeps our lives in order.
To love someone without expecting anything in return is scary
…if you lack enough self-love to be generous.
There I was, learning the ins and outs of love, realizing it meant reveling in my partner’s happiness, even when I wasn’t the star of the show.
It’s a peculiar kind of generosity, this polyamory. Where you feel excited when your partner likes someone new, and just as hurt when they’re turned down, knowing their true worth. To some, it may seem absurd, but to me, it’s a rich, multi-layered tapestry of love.
Self-love, you see, was the key to getting it right.
Turns out, a poly is someone who values solitude so much that they give their partners freedom so they can equally have the freedom for themselves.
No, no, we’re not frantically trying to sample every person on earth! We simply relish our alone time, all the while forging meaningful connections and brightening lives.
People don’t always agree and that’s okay.
One person thought of our throuple as “dirty,” their mind filled with images of orgies, threesomes, and STDs. I shot back, “Sounds like it’s your mind that’s dirty, not us.”
Being poly isn’t some sex-fueled free-for-all. Honestly, the sex life of a poly person is more like having a tiny appetite seeing your plate is full.
Contrary to popular belief, polyamory is less about sex and more about lending an ear and a shoulder to each partner’s life challenges — so much so that you might not even have the energy to think about getting excited for orgasms.
In the process of loving truly, I learned to love myself more.
Through self-reflection, I’ve grown more compassionate, become a better listener, and gained insight into human nature. These days, my top commitment is to myself.
Managing jealousy takes a whole lot of understanding, and dealing with mood swings from multiple partners is a masterclass in patience. Honesty requires respect, while surviving unconditional love demands self-love.
Without this dedication to myself, loving and caring for multiple partners wouldn’t be possible.
To really thrive in this kind of dynamic and truly embrace the idea of unconditional love, you need to have a strong foundation of love for yourself.
It’s a journey, for sure, but it’s worth it in the end.
